I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.


When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.


Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.


HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.


ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:


Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!


HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!



INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.


Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.