When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You know what really makes me smile?
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.