@myonlymizztake

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

You Might Also Like

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@Amiigat

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

@walruswhisperer

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sorry, cancer kids. Our prayers are going elsewhere. RT @KimKardashian: So scared I’m not gonna make my flight to Australia! Pray I make it!

@batkaren

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

@whatmaddness

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@Social_Mime

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.