I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
You Might Also Like
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here