[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You Might Also Like
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.