One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
just got my engagement photos
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go