I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

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[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.


[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit


*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?


[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please


her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist


It’s been scientifically proven that women who worry are smart.
I must be a freaking genius.


Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.


Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….


*texts with friends*

Friend: hey

Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?

Friend: I sent that 8 months ago


7: mommy can I play on your computer?
Me: later
7: what do you mean by later?
Me: I’m hoping you forget.