I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
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“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
🤣
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.