I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
You Might Also Like
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*