I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

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To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.


Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind


Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.


So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.



Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.


You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*


Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.


SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did


Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?