i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I think this cat is broken
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT