@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

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@wank_666

British people: why does everyone hate us

Also British people:

@wildethingy

I’m not sure if I should be impressed that my cat has learnt to turn on my computer or worried that he’s been using it to email my lawyer about my will.

@jamespianka

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

@BobTheSuit

This could be the whiskey talking but I donโ€™t think I should be jury foreman.

@pauleggleston

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

@Rrrrnessa

Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.

@Marcmywords2

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@Tmoney68

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

@Lubchansky

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like