I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.