I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
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Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.