I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.