Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*