There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.