@thesulk

“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.

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@jackiembouvier

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

@joejwest

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

@TheDreamGhoul

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

@thetits

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

@WilliamAder

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I think Iโ€™m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*