@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

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@senderblock23

John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring

@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

@JaneBadall

I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.

@FuckabillyRex

*skateboarding at 16
I don’t care about girls, I’m skating.

*skateboarding at 43
I should have had more sex when I was 16.

@mommajessiec

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

@crylenol

*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

@baronvonbike

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.