My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80
I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.
This is my sewer side note.
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Great. There go our Oreos.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Waiter: would you care for an appetizer?
Me: look I can babysit your potato skins but I’m not cheap
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario