I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”