@Sickayduh

I got drunk and woke up in the gutter.

This is my sewer side note.

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@daplusk

My doctor told me exercise will add years to my life. It’s true. I just did 10 push ups and feel like i’m 80

@jakob_huber

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

@ClichedOut

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

@MattTheBrand

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@rebrafsim

Waiter: would you care for an appetizer?

Me: look I can babysit your potato skins but I’m not cheap

@shayf_

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario