I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
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Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Livid.