@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. ūüôĀ

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@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

@alfageeek

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@FiannMacFool

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

@AnkCoupleTO

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

@ElgatoEsmio

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

@captainkalvis

wife: our house is burning to the ground! We have to call the fire marshall

me: great idea [to the fire] MARSHALL! QUIT BURNING OUR HOUSE DOWN!