I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
You Might Also Like
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The symmetry is uncanny.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The USS B port
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it