I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker