@Social_Mime

I got excited when my wife texted me “I want some of this later” with the eggplant emoji.

Turns out she just really wanted some eggplant parmigiana.

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@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@noog

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@Vodkantots

It’s like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.

@serenehavoc

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

@RxitWounds

[Auto-shop class]
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”

*raises hand*

“Or a truck”

*lowers hand*

@AimeeHelene1

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

@Amusitr0n

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well