The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”