“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”