I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
couldn’t resist
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”