When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My wife Googled “how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.
Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.
“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.