@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

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@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@SJSchauer

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

@LackOfShame

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

@ericsshadow

My wife Googled “how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.

@BromanConsul

“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.