I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.