I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Just a phase…
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“What?”
– Jude
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”