I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Watermelon Boss!
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
just witnessed a drug deal
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking