I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need