Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.