I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT