I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You Might Also Like
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
ok like just. call me at this point
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
same energy
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.