I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
🍞🦆
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.