I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.