Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair