@TySmithdrums

I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.

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@Nickadoo

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.

@cervixsmash

If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

@flashember

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth