I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
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Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.
If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
I: About the test?
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If you love something set it free.
*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth