I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I needed a laugh this morning.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?