“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”