I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
me: WHAT IF
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
We’re adults. It’s bad enough we selfie. Don’t make it worse with the surprise face selfie
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.