I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.

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T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first


I was the fastest gun in the West, I’d shoot you with a ham before you could even ask “What is that, some sort of ham cannon?”


If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I


[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time


I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.


Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.


Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.