T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.
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I was the fastest gun in the West, I’d shoot you with a ham before you could even ask “What is that, some sort of ham cannon?”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic
Me *texting her back from motel room* am I
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.