I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails