I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.

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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished


Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.


future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more


Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was


If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.


[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home


Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher


“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.