@JulianLeeComedy

I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.

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@Shen_the_Bird

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

@caliluvgirl77

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

@MattTheBrand

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

@david8hughes

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

@mommajessiec

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

@tweetsbyrocket

[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home

@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@mortimermaiden

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.