I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.

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Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.




Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.

Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.


therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no


8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today


If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.


[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here


If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.


“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.


Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere


Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing