@JulianLeeComedy
@nyquills
Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.
Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.
You Might Also Like
@nyquills
@katelynn_rae01
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
@Mr_Kapowski
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
@Pork_Chop_Hair
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
@Fred_Delicious
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
@TheHatStore
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
@david8hughes
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
@doktorj
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
@pittdave13
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
@thedad
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing