@JulianLeeComedy
@Shen_the_Bird
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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@Shen_the_Bird
@caliluvgirl77
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
@MattTheBrand
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
@SuperheroFeed
My favorite female superhero
@david8hughes
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
@mommajessiec
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
@tweetsbyrocket
[gf moving in]
her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement
me: sure, make yourself at home
@Jake_Vig
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
@mortimermaiden
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
@LizHackett
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.