angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My favorite female superhero
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[gf moving in]
her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement
me: sure, make yourself at home
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.