I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
People who don’t have a name for their newborn,
What the shit did you do for 9 months?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?
P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]