Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.
Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.
Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing