@JulianLeeComedy

I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.

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@girl_a_whirl

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@bridger_w

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

@markleggett

Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.

@hellohappy_time

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

@of_a_genepool

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@chewlongkok_

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]