I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble