I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out