I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
this is funnier than any friends episode
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg