I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You Might Also Like
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.