@kathybotteas

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

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@notittryagain

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

@zebrasyndicate

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@aedison

Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.

@michaelianblack

If we all just agree that we’re fine, we’ll never again have to ask each other how we are.

@Connan22

Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you