I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.