I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
let’s discuss
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator