I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
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[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?