I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers


Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.


84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”


I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.


The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.


Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred


My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley.

Clearly, I’m going to hell. My kids don’t know what Bob Marley looks like


*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…


Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice