@E_lok44

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

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@murrman5

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

@TheCatWhisprer

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

@stats_canada

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

@beeftweets

I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

@PattiOShankable

My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley.

Clearly, I’m going to hell. My kids don’t know what Bob Marley looks like

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

@PaperWash

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice