“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley.
Clearly, I’m going to hell. My kids don’t know what Bob Marley looks like
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice