I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.