*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point