I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
starting a garage orchestra
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.