I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.