I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.