@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

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@DaHess1

If you’re a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don’t have to sell you anything.

@kellyoxford

Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.

@TheCatWhisprer

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

@Littlest_Slobo

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.

@Cpin42

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@ericsshadow

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids