I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You Might Also Like
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?