I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.


I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.


My husband has burned my grilled cheese. I can’t see it or smell it yet, but there is a palpable disturbance in The Force.


Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?


I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.


When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”


doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE


I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.