I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”